(Content warning: descriptions of abusive dynamic ahead. Proceed with caution)

I’ve been trapped in this emotional shit loop since yesterday. Every time mom and I fall out this happens. I end up twisted for days going through the litany of evidence in my head that reminds me of why I should have known better.

Mom likes to subscribe to “positive thinking”/”laws of attraction” ideas in as much as they serve her. One way I’m most familiar with is how she used/s it as a weapon. Whenever something bad happened to me as a kid, she would tell me it was because of the negative energy I had put into the universe. The spite in my heart caused it to happen. It could have been an accident, like tripping over a crack in the sidewalk, or it could have been someone bullying me, or it could have been the result of a bad decision I had made, but it was always framed as “you caused this and you deserve it.”

To be fair to her, she didn’t do this all the time, or just to me. This behavior centered around her more stressful situations, and probably had very little to do with me at all. That said, it became her way of absolving herself for her abusive behavior. She got to frame her behavior as inevitable so that she didn’t have to think about its impact.

My only comfort is that I’m not the only one she does that to. Its a very cold comfort.